Written by: Cap’n Jim Cirile
Ahoy, brethren in beardliness! Ye’ve grown yerself a fine, fine scruff there on yer chin, rich with color. Well, me hearties, enjoy it while it lasts. For 100% of us pirates have this in common: as we get older (and better,) our mustaches and beards turn a ghastly gray.
Aye, first it be a few little hairs here and there; but before ye know it, a forest of wintry white be takin’ over yer face and ye be looking like Graybeard himself. Arrgh! (That be a scream of distaste, not a hearty pirate “arr,” scalawag.) So I’d like to share with ye some solutions to this problem — hopefully, one of these will be ideal for the rough-and-tumbles likes of ye.
>> SHAVE. Egad! Scrape away our very manliness? And yet that’s what many of us do. While this does indeed solve the problem, it may open up others, such as catching pneumonia from the draft (just kidding) as well as displaying your not-quite-as-masculine chin (sadly, maybe not kidding.) Indeed, as we age, our jowls get a bit saggy and the chin may double over onto itself… not a pretty visage, scoundrels. All things yer lovely facial hair once masked.
Can I get another “argh”, mateys?
>> JUST FOR MEN Mustache & Beard Dye. $7.95. Many of us pirates turn to this fine product to solve our problem. And solve it it does. However — and indeed there be “howevers”– the application process be time-consuming and involves donning protective gloves, mixing up foul-smelling, toxic chemicals, and then breathing them directly up yer sniffer for five minutes, followed by a shower. As well, many of us get skin irritation from the concoction. And then, once yer gray starts to come back, ye’ve got salt-white roots and ye need to repeat the whole process again. On the plus side, it be a permanent solution; once ye’ve dyed, ye’re good for several days.
>> WOLFSHEAD BEARDYE. $19.95. This product be a dye like Just for Men, however, it’s much more gentle on our delicate faces. WolfsHead be a henna-based product, which causes no skin irritation. Application takes about 15 minutes. The down side here: it apparently takes a few applications for the color to build up the desired level of intensity; and it costs a few doubloons more than the competitors. However, this could be a solid solution for many hearty pirates.
>> BLACKBEARD FOR MEN. $9.95. Blackbeard for Men is unique in that it is not a dye. Rather, it be a unique, patented, instant brush-on color designed specifically for men’s facial hair. It applies in seconds, is hypoallergenic, lasts all day and has none of the hassle or side effects of dyes. Blackbeard for Men has no harsh chemical odor, fills gaps (for those with thinning beards) and can even reshape yer roguishly handsome beard and mustache however ye see fit. Also can be used on sideburns and eyebrows, something no dye can do. Of course if ye like yer dye, Blackbeard can also touch-up those roots in between dyeing. And users can vary color intensity as they see fit. Cons: It is not a permanent solution and lasts about 8-12 hours; plus it can be smudged if strong pressure is applied. But the product’s biggest limitation be: it’s only for us scalawags with neatly groomed facial hair. Since Blackbeard be a topical colorant, sadly, it ain’t suitable for “Duck Dynasty” and ZZ Top beards, mateys.
Hopefully, one of these solutions be the right one fer ye and will help ye to step up and reclaim yer manliness with style. That, mateys, merits an ARRRR!, wouldn’t ye say?
Written by: Cap’n Jim Cirile